This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Every sensible human has a Zombie Survival Plan folded up and stored somewhere safe in their head. Perhaps you will go to the nearest supermarket, shutter the doors, pour all the fresh fruit into the freezer chests, and live off chips and bottled water. Maybe you have wild plans to somehow turret yourself up in the nearest TA base, sniper aimed firmly at the reinforced gates. Importantly, though, you think you're going to survive, don't you, you poor fool? This is the first mistake—thinking you are made of survivalist stuff.
No, you're getting bitten. Arguably, you'll be one of the first to go. I will, too and I have made my peace with that: Years of embracing life as a softboi millennial snowflake leaves me incapable of tapping into the necessary hunter-gatherer instincts I'd need to avoid a blood-thirsty corpse, but it does leave me with a mindset capable of planning for the worst.
So: Here's a guide for everyone, not just the people still struggling through The Walking Dead. For us, it's not all blowing over in the end; it's a lifestyle, and one we can thrive under. With a little preparation and the right attitude, we can adjust our bodies and our habits, and arm ourselves with the knowledge we need to become the very best zombies we can be.
Stage 3: Zombie Apocalypse Now
It’s here—the great zombie zpocalypse. Society’s breaking down, the news is spewing out zombie-related push notifications, the undead line the streets. The whole shebang.
Don't: Leave the city
Conventional survival logic points to now as being the best to head off to the countryside; but you, brave zombie-to-be, must fight that flighty urge.
For all its pitfalls, London’s a smorgasbord of over 8 million juicy brains. When it all kicks off, only an idiot would strand themselves out in the Peak District, or, like, Norfolk, just to inevitably get bitten by an outlier.
Do: Choose the right time to go
It’s time to bow out on your own terms. You’ll need to apply for zombie-membership while there are brains to spare (you don’t want to be hungrily walking down streets that have gone a bit 28 Days Later) but you want to be wary not to go too early in case you still end up bunking up with weird scientists and Patient Zero down at the secret research facility.
Find your zombie enabler, present them your wrist like a nightclub bouncer, and make sure to escape before they start ripping you apart.
Do: Lie about being bitten
One trick to score some easy brains is by getting good at lying about being infected. Chances are you’re already doing this, with some 70 percent of us reportedly continuing to work when we’re unwell.
Tell everyone you’re fine. When your suspicious friend/family member/lover asks if you've been bitten, despite frothing at the mouth, your well refined ability to hide your symptoms means you’ll say: "Of course not," semi-believably… Then you can just eat them.
Don't: Forget your helmet
Finally, it’s important to remember zombies = notoriously weak head-havers. Use your last moments before surrendering yourself to the undead legions to strap on a helmet.
Maybe it’s a construction worker’s hat, or maybe it’s one you bought when you tried biking to work that one time. Maybe it’s even one of those party ones, with straws and cans on the sides. Either way, as your last remnants of cognition slowly drift away, with your head protected you can rest easily.
Enjoy yourself out there. You’ve earned it.
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